Nancy
I was raised here in Whatcom County in the beautiful Northwest Washington city of Bellingham. I grew up in orchards and among flowers and vegetable gardens. Both of my parents grew up in the City; my dad is from Chicago and my mom is from the big city of Guadalajara Mexico. Moving to the country was like a new world to them, so they learned by trying new things out. I remember many a night my dad would wait up in the kitchen as my mom was stirring apple butter long into the night. I still grow and can fruits and vegetables like my mom did.
Many years later I learned what death meant when it happened to me and my family. Death introduced itself through the loss of my daughter Rachel.
Nothing could have prepared me for what was to come. The death of a child is one of the most earth-shattering events that could happen to a family. I looked for resources to help with the grieving process, but it was hard to find next steps for what I should do or how I could feel better. It took years to navigate this, but when I did find comfort and healing it was in those who could sit with me in a scared space and allow me to tell my story. They listened and didn’t try to cheerlead me out of my feeling. I wanted to be understood, not shamed for what truly was inside my heart. In time I found my tribe. They were others who had experienced a loss. They knew this language of grief and pain. They understood me and I felt validated. I was heard, not corrected. It was then that the clouds were lifted and I saw blue skies again. Finally.
Through my journey, I have learned what kind of help is and isn’t helpful. I had to learn how to reconstruct and rebuild myself after the loss. When someone suffers a huge trauma like a death of a child, they are never the same. It’s as if you are looking through a tinted lens – your view of the world changes. This trauma changes you physically and emotionally and spiritually. I had to figure out how to put my life together again. A mosaic. Piece by piece. Sometimes the pieces didn’t fit the same way anymore; my interests changed. We had to learn how to cope with living without Rachel as family. I learned ways of honoring her, how to sit with the good memories, and how to be ok with the sad days. I found that all of this was normal and would be for a lifetime.
Having the right kind of support can impact how well one does after a loss. Through my experience I learned about healthy forms of grief support that I could have greatly benefited from earlier on. If I had known about these grief support systems and resources earlier in my journey, it would have helped me to grieve in healthier ways. It was from that experience that I learned how to help others who had gone through similar situations.
Later, when I was ready, I took classes and became a certified bereavement specialist with Dr. Wolfelt. I also took a few classes with MISS Foundation – an organization providing support, counseling and education for families experiencing the death of a child. I have taken what I learned and experienced and used it to help other parents by coming alongside them in their loss to give them hope. I am encouraging companion to families by offering tools for coping and by helping them learn to carry their pain. I also facilitate monthly support groups for parents that have suffered the loss of a child of any age, no matter how recent or how much time has passed.